So, you’ve accepted that you get triggered pretty regularly because of What Happened, which is huge. It took so long to stop feeling like you were just “acting out for no reason,” and even if you still suspect you’re milking this whole trauma timeline, you also know you deserve a little bit more peace.
The problem? No one else knows What Happened.
It’s not that you don’t want anybody to know. It’d actually be nice if your partner, your best friend, or that one family member who’s always got your back knew. You might feel less alone every time your mind time travels back to the worst parts of your life. Heck, it might even help you come back to the present just knowing they know you’re triggered. But you have no idea how to talk about it without…feeling like a bummer? Triggering yourself massively in the process? Risking your loved one showing up in the worst ways possible and proving you right on not trusting them with it in the first place?
In this blog post series, we’ll be covering how to have as safe and as containing of a conversation as possible with your loved ones about your trauma.
Step 1: Prepare for Triggers
Prepare for any triggers around safety and trust. This goes double for if another person caused your trauma in the first place (vs. a natural disaster or something less directly caused by other people).* You can prepare for these kinds of triggers by asking yourself two types of questions:
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What might come up when you’re vulnerable around someone else? In pain? Feeling unsafe?
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What might soothe you preemptively? Afterwards?
The first set of questions will help you gauge when a trigger or generally difficult emotion might come up while you’re talking about your trauma and make it harder, regardless of how supportive the other person might be. The second set will help you think of steps to take in advance to find a way out of that reasonable response to revisiting what’s hurt you so deeply.
A lot of people struggle with how to soothe after a trigger. The more trauma you’ve been through, especially from a young age, the harder it might be to soothe in the first place. So what am I talking about when I say “soothing”?
Soothing is anything that helps you feel less on guard, anxious, panicky, out-of-body, or focused on catering to others in the hopes that you won’t be rejected. It could look like having a particular keychain or stuffed animal you like the texture (or company) of to touch or play with. It could also look like having a cup of non-caffeinated tea you love the taste of. Some people might watch their favorite show or comedian, or go on a walk. Other people might read a favorite book or poem that feels familiar and makes them feel less alone.
Planning on soothing before, during, or after a more predictable trigger can also help you feel safer by creating a sense of structure ahead of time, cultivating more trust in yourself to care for your pain when it hits a fever pitch, and assuring you that you’ll have options. Feeling trapped without options in and of itself can be triggering, and this step can help immensely, not just in planning to have this conversation, but in general.
Step 2: Identify Boundaries
It’s your choice to have this conversation, right? So you get to set the boundaries!
What do I mean by boundaries? Boundaries are just how you want to be treated. This means you’ll be deciding how you want to be treated during the conversation in advance, which will, again, contribute to a supportive sense of structure while you rehash something painful with a loved one for the first time. And no, you won’t be able to guarantee that your loved one treats you how you want to be treated. But you’ll be able to choose how you’ll respond should they not treat this conversation with the care and respect you ask for.
To get the ball rolling, what might you want to say? To this particular person you feel comfortable enough trying to talk about your trauma with?**
You get to decide how little or much you want to share because it’s your story.* While you couldn’t control what happened to you at the time, you get to decide how to retell it in a way that could give someone the bare bones of your experience, the details you feel like you need to share after keeping it to yourself for so long, or the parts that come up with this person specifically for whatever reason, as triggers or things you think they’d benefit from knowing.
How Do I Do That?!
In our next blog post in this series, we’ll be discussing boundaries around how you’ll interact with your loved one during this conversation based on what you want from them as a result. For now, I suggest that you think about or write down exactly what you’d like to share with this specific loved one, and soothe yourself before, during, or after that process. If soothing ends up being really difficult, focus on doing just that for as long as you need. If you run into roadblocks on how to tell your story, try to see how different versions feel for you.
Putting these steps into practice now will help you feel more capable of soothing yourself, practicing boundaries, and telling your story by the time you have the conversation IRL.
What a beautiful addition to your healing journey.
