Ever feel like you’re stuck between two impossible choices—being around people feels unsafe, but being alone feels unbearable?
If you’ve experienced trauma, especially relational trauma, you might know this inner tug-of-war all too well. It’s like your nervous system doesn’t know which way is up. You crave connection, but fear vulnerability. You want space, but dread isolation.
This is what we call all-or-nothing thinking, and it’s a common (and deeply human) survival response to trauma.
Let’s break it down—so you can stop feeling like you’re “too much” or “not enough,” and start understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface.
What Is All-or-Nothing Thinking?
All-or-nothing (or “black-and-white”) thinking is when your mind gets stuck in extremes. It’s either:
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“I have to be around people constantly or I’ll fall apart,” or
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“I need to cut everyone off forever because they’ll only hurt me.”
There’s no middle ground. No room for nuance or flexibility. Just survival mode, doing what it’s designed to do—keep you safe.
After trauma, your brain becomes hyper-alert to danger. It categorizes people, situations, and feelings as safe or unsafe, with little room for complexity. The result? Emotional whiplash. You pull people close, then push them away. You isolate for relief, then spiral in loneliness.
It’s exhausting—but you’re not crazy. You’re protecting yourself the only way you’ve learned how.
Why Trauma Creates This Pattern
Relational trauma—like emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment—teaches you early on that connection can’t be trusted. Maybe the people who were supposed to love you hurt you. Maybe you were told your needs were too much. Maybe when you reached out, no one came.
So now, even healthy relationships can feel like walking a tightrope. You don’t know whether to run toward people or run away from them. And being alone? That can stir up deep fears of abandonment or collapse.
Here’s the truth:
It’s not that you’re afraid of people or afraid of being alone. You’re afraid of what those experiences have meant in the past.
Healing: Finding the Space In-Between
You don’t have to choose between constant connection and total isolation. There’s a middle path. One where you can:
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Be alone without feeling abandoned
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Be with others without losing yourself
It won’t happen overnight, but it can happen.
Here are some gentle ways to start:
1. Name What’s Happening
Instead of judging yourself, get curious:
“Am I avoiding connection because I’m scared? Am I avoiding being alone because I’m anxious?” Naming the fear is the first step in disarming it.
2. Practice “Safe Enough” Relationships
You don’t have to open up to everyone. Start with one person who feels safe enough. Maybe you don’t share your deepest pain—maybe you just sit together and exist. That counts.
3. Create Nourishing Alone Time
Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Can you build routines that make solitude feel like self-care? Journaling, music, walks, or simply breathing in stillness—these small practices create internal safety.
4. Challenge the Extremes
When you catch your mind saying, “I can’t trust anyone” or “I can’t be by myself,” ask yourself: Is this true? Or is this fear talking? Look for middle-ground statements like,
“I’m learning how to trust some people,” or “Being alone is hard, but I can take it moment by moment.”
5. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Therapists trained in trauma can help you explore these patterns and build internal stability. They’ll support you in rewiring your nervous system—so you don’t have to live in a constant state of panic or isolation.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not “Too Much.” You’re Not Broken.
If your relationships feel like a roller coaster—or if solitude feels unbearable—you’re not alone. You’re not being dramatic or difficult. You’re responding to life with the tools you were given. And now, slowly, you’re learning new ones.
There is a version of you who feels calm with people and peaceful when alone. You may not have met them yet—but they’re already inside you.
Healing isn’t about choosing one extreme over the other.
It’s about learning to rest in the middle.
And you’re already on your way.
