We’ve all heard the phrase: “Just forgive and forget.”
It’s often said with the best of intentions. It sounds neat, tidy, even spiritual—like a quick fix for pain. But when it comes to healing from trauma, this well-meaning advice can be deeply damaging.
If you’re a trauma survivor, you’ve likely been told—either directly or indirectly—that forgiving your abuser is necessary to move on. Maybe you’ve even been made to feel guilty for holding on to anger, or shame for not being “over it” yet.
Here’s the truth: You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness. And you don’t need to forget what happened to heal.
The Problem with “Forgive and Forget”
1. It Invalidates the Pain Telling someone to “forgive and forget” often dismisses the severity of what they went through. Trauma isn’t a simple misunderstanding. It’s a deep wound to the mind, body, and spirit. Survivors don’t just feel hurt—they feel betrayed, violated, afraid, and unsafe.
You can’t forget something that rewired your brain and reshaped your entire sense of self.
2. It Pressures Survivors to Reconcile This phrase often comes with the unspoken expectation that forgiveness should lead to reconciliation or contact. In cases of abuse, that’s not only inappropriate—it can be dangerous. No one should be pushed toward relationships that jeopardize their safety or mental health.
3. It Skips Over the Healing Work Forgiveness—when it does happen—comes at the end of a long process, not the beginning. Real healing involves grief, rage, boundaries, and deep inner work. Skipping ahead to “forgive and forget” is like slapping a Band-Aid over a bullet wound.
4. It Centers the Comfort of Others Let’s be honest: sometimes, this advice isn’t really about the survivor. It’s about the discomfort of those around them. People don’t like the messiness of trauma. They want neat resolutions. But healing is not linear—and it’s not about making others comfortable.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
True healing honors your story. It looks more like:
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Remembering with clarity so you can make sense of what happened
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Feeling all the emotions—grief, anger, fear, sadness—without shame
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Setting strong boundaries to protect your peace
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Letting go of blame placed on yourself, not necessarily on others
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Choosing your own timeline instead of following someone else’s idea of closure
Forgiveness might come. Or it might not. What matters is that you are in charge of that decision—not guilt, not pressure, and definitely not an outdated cliché.
What to Say Instead
Not sure what to say to someone healing from trauma? Here are a few alternatives that offer empathy and empowerment:
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“I believe you.”
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“You have every right to be angry.”
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“Take all the time you need to heal.”
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“Your story matters, and so do you.”
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“You don’t have to forgive anyone who hasn’t earned it.”
These words validate a survivor’s experience and give them space to heal on their own terms.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Forgive to Heal
Forgiveness can be beautiful—but it’s not a requirement. And it certainly doesn’t mean forgetting, excusing, or reopening the door to someone who hurt you.
Healing is not about pretending the trauma didn’t happen. It’s about learning to live fully, because it happened—and deciding what you need to feel whole again.
So if someone tells you to “forgive and forget,” feel free to politely (or not so politely) let them know: You’re not here to make them comfortable. You’re here to reclaim your life.
